Loneliness, your silent whisper
Fills a river of tears through the night
– X Japan, Dry Your Tears with Love
Once upon a time, I met a really sweet guy with a very demanding job.
Before we knew it, we were falling in love and living together; but one day he had to go away. We spent three months apart from each other, unsure whether our new feelings would survive this trial. While his job kept him busy, I had nothing to do at the time and spent each day binge-watching series or playing video games.
Unhappy about the past and the present, I kept hoping for a better future, one in which I would know what to do with myself. Yet, unable to decide which path to follow, I focused my hopes on the day when he would finally come back to me. And when that day came, we acknowledged that we were indeed in love and never wanted to be apart again.
Until the next time he had to leave.
And the time after that.
Five years went by and five times he left. This time, it would seem, is the sixth.
He only left last Monday and I already broke down thrice. First on Monday, when it seemed like my brain had not registered the fact that he was supposed to leave that day, even though I had known the date for a while, and I couldn’t really think about anything else.
The first few days were the worst – or so I thought. I tried to get some work done but couldn’t really focus and ended up binge-watching season 2 of Jane the Virgin. It was a lot of fun and kept my mind off him, but I had hoped the season would last me longer.
Luckily, Thursday was much better, as I met with other translators for a few hours. It wasn’t what I expected, but it was nice meeting new people and making new business contacts in a relaxed, zero-stake context. The fact that I already knew a third of them certainly helped.
Friday, on the contrary, was horrible. I wasn’t feeling my best in the morning and hoped a chat with one of my German friends would cheer me up, which it did. But then I broke a mug and startled one of my cats who broke a bottle in his turn, causing me to break down again.
I can’t really explain why these two incidents brought me to tears aside from my sympathy for the two victims. I guess I just hate breaking stuff.
After the crisis, I felt so lonely, so sad. I felt abandoned – not by him, but by my friends, who are too busy to help me through this. I started two new series that day, South of Hell and X Company, both of which seem interesting but probably won’t become favourites of mine.
Saturday was better at first, as I managed to work for over three hours, a record that week. But guess what? The loneliness came back and I spent the afternoon and evening watching series again. I even started a new one, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell.
Still, there were three wins: I resisted the urge to get sushi or junk food for dinner and actually cooked; a desperate attempt to find something chocolatey to buy after 9:30pm resulted in a spontaneous 50-minute walk around the city; and no chocolate was bought that night.
As for Sunday, we’ll see. A friend has invited me to join her and her partner for an aperitif, which I believe would be a terrible idea for my new attempt to lose weight but a wonderful opportunity to keep the loneliness at bay. I wouldn’t want to be a killjoy, though, so I think I’ll only go if I’m in a good mood.
Edit: oh crap! Not only will there be other people there, it won’t even be in their home. I’m definitely not going then. But I should have lunch with another friend tomorrow, one to one. Yey!
Edit 2: going through my blog, I came across a letter I wrote to my partner last year. It felt weird reading it again, but I think I needed that. Being in a relationship sucks… is also still as relevant!
Do you ever feel really lonely? What piece of advice would you give someone in this situation?